September Sixth

"It was only one hour ago.
Things were so different then.
Nothing yet has really sunk in-
looks like it always did.
Flesh and bone.
Just the way that we are tied in.
There's no one home.
I grieve for you.
You leave me."
-Peter Gabriel, "I Grieve"

This is the day, eleven years ago that feels like yesterday, when my Dad left this earthly home. It came as a huge surprise and it knocked the wind out of all of us. My brain could not comprehend what had happened but my heart was surely broken.

Smashed.

It felt like I was drowning for weeks.

Tonight, the sky is dark outside the plane and the stars shine like they did and always have.

I'm flying into Minnesota, where I was when we drove all night to be with Mom, Melissa, and Jim in Illinois. My Grandma and sister Carrie rode with us by the light of the fingernail moon.

It was unreal.

Nobody can really prepare another for how this feels. My Dad is gone. Every time I looked at the sky and saw his "Army Star" while we drove that night, I cried. I cried so much I had puffy face for weeks.

I kept going. I attended college classes, began a routine, and made a collection of songs to help me stay calm enough to study.

The waves pulled me under from time to time. It was a kind of crying I don't recall ever crying before.

It was heavy.
Sobs of grief and pain and loss.

Nobody can tell you how it's going to be.

I needed lots of hugs and nobody saying, "it'll get better", because, they are mostly the ones who don't really understand.

One who knew said, "It just doesn't get easier". Oh, how I was mad at that, too! There had to be some place in the middle. All I can day to people in this situation is, "I'm so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you are going through." I pray for the Holy comforter to surround them for a calm moment of reprieve from the devastation.

All I can really say is, even eleven years later, I am in the middle- somewhere between "it gets better" and "it never gets better".

There were three serendipitous songs that put me over the edge for months, yet any time they came on the radio, I felt Dad with me. Like a sign. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. So, I'll be done writing soon and will grab out my iPod to hear them.

I know he is with us, seeing what we do, hanging around, but nothing beats the dude sitting next to me on a long ride to anywhere in a plane, bus, or train.

I miss my Daddy- oh, that made my tummy sink. I miss him.

And I get to see my Mom tonight.
Hugs to those around you, love with all your might and just be.

"When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me." -Train, "A Sign"

"You will never find a father loves his daughter more than I love you."
-Paul Simon, "Father Daughter"

"If you listen you will hear the angels wings. Up above our heads so near, they are hovering. Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart- when it cannot rise above a wounded heart."
-Bonnie Raitt, "Wounded Heart"

"As simple as breathing, I picture your face"

"As certain as sunrise, your image unwinds. You're clearer than crystal-you fill up my mind. Now I have you by my side."
Bonnie Raitt, "Wounded Heart"

You cannot lose my love.
-Sara Groves