Three Pointing Back.

 It seems like I just woke up angry this morning. Too many things were running through my head about injustice, unfairness, and the road goes both ways. These things were spinning in circles and I wrote about it in my morning pages, only to be bothered with it even after I let it out on paper. I promised myself I wouldn't make my day about my anger and tried to move on. But there are days like this where, no matter what is done to keep the anger away, it creeps back and invades precious space meant for a beautiful day. 

I was really happy when I got a cup of free coffee from Starbucks, today, since those two words, "free" and "Starbucks" are very rarely mentioned in the same sentence. Then, I went to pick up some beads for the event tomorrow afternoon and it is such a joy when people give up things for others to use. I was invited in for a few minutes and got comfortable talking with my art friend. I got to see her "real" bead collection and saw her way of organizing by color. That made me happy, too!

Then we started chatting. 

And I felt it. Like black india ink just dripping out of my mouth, the poison of words I promised I wouldn't share and words that were meant to be written on paper and not dripping out of my mouth like poison. I had promised I wouldn't share hate today and I was so doing it. 

Then I stopped. I apologized to my friend for the spew of hatred and she forgave me. But then she asked me, "Will you forgive yourself?" 

I had already taken the bat out of the closet and beaten myself up about it in short time. I am actually very hard on myself. I know it seems like I'm not moving fast enough for some people, or not doing what I say I am going to do, but it is a constant battle for me. I have given up on too many promises to myself and that turns into terrible poison in my head. Every time I give up on a promise to myself, I'm hurting me. Why would anyone want to do that? Why am I doing it? And then when the hurt of me hurts someone else? I reflect a lot. I know it doesn't go unnoticed. But I have to wonder. Am I the only one who has this "bat" syndrome?

Do other people reflect upon their own actions as much as I pain myself with my own? Why do I scrutinize every single move I make and drive myself nuts? I am not crazy, but I guess I need to know I am not alone. 

Nobody is perfect. 

Especially me.

And just as I start to feel confident about where I stand in life and speak my mind, I realize I am just as bad at making judgements as the next person. There are three fingers pointing back at me when I point just one. But why did I have to point the finger in the first place?

So, the song, "Before you Accuse Me," is by Eric Clapton. I give him props. 

"You say I've been spending money on other women, but you're taking money from someone else...." He called it. Be careful of who you think is doing wrong because then the three will be pointed back at you. 

Have you ever had to forgive yourself?