You Cannot Lose My Love

   It is the start of a new year and with that comes time to rearrange things, organize and remember where we put things. For me, it is also still getting used my surroundings in California. After living alone, living with someone proves a challenge; especially when the two have things upon things that are crucial and non-negotiable for the charity piles. Well, anyway, for Christmas I asked for a cleaned up house for which we will both work to complete. We have grown used to some piles here and piles there and then some things are overlooked. Keys, money, purses and shoes are all left in routine places, but sometimes we put them where we've forgotten to look and a little rush happens to locate them until all is resolved. We work together to find things, so we will work together to create a better space for us.Loss of things is not so bad. It's when people are involved that things get sticky.

   I lost my Dad in 2002. I was living in Minnesota and had just seen him in Illinois over Labor Day weekend. He had complained of not feeling well, slept a lot, and then reported to the doctor while working a business call on Friday, September 6. On that day, he was gone before we ever would have expected. In our eyes, he was not done yet because he was only 55.

   Loss is a horrible thing no matter what the circumstances. For me, the quick is harsh and filled with too many questions. I refuse to weigh one way of death over another because no matter how it happens, death is the end on earth. We were all heartbroken and still feel it from time to time. For me, grief comes in waves and some of them are strong as tsunamis while others are just flutters of seafoam.

   Christmas, 2002, brought for me an opportunity to play saxophone at one of the mega-churches in Minneapolis. I was part of their annual Christmas program and personally seeking peace for the season of firsts for our new family landscape. I won't forget spotting the bright light so high above and focusing on it many times in order to get through the services. Some moments were touch and go, but it went better than I thought. And that's just it; the times you think are going to be toughest really aren't tough at all. The tough times surprise me and it's not always something logical or obvious in the wave that gets me. Overall, the spirit was there and I felt joyful.

  Then, the guest artist appeared at her piano and I heard, "Cannot Lose My Love" for the first time. Sara Groves sang with her pure and innocent tone and won my heart. The words were intended for her child, but I heard my Dad through them. Although they apply to me today in our house that needs to be cleaned and organized, they hit me by surprise with a wave of peaceful heartache. "You may lose a lot of things, but you cannot lose my love." I miss my Dad so much. But I cannot lose his love. 

   And to Mark, we can lose a lot of things, but our love cannot be lost. I am thankful to be here and with the man I love. Love is a great gift- and if you have it, never let it go.

Materials:

Canson 140 lb. watercolor paper

Faber Castell Gelati

watercolor

Staedtler Fine Permanent Marker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ozpb6R8YSw